darae's Xanga

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 05:10:21 GMT

no one uses xanga anymore..

i think its funny how the american society seems to move from one online social network to the next..

in my lifetime it has been xanga/asian avenue then myspace and then of course the ultimate facebook!!

i have none of those other three.. i only have xanga.

i had all of those other three at one point, but then i decided that it was a waste of my time. technology in general is a waste and almost a disgrace to mankind if you really think about it.

how much more have we all been reduced to due to technology??

no longer do we all LITERALLY face up to all our fears.. instead we stay back within this pool of which is the internet and "take care" of our problems that way.

what ever happened to writing and mailing letters.. its almost a nuisance now to receive mail in an actual mailbox. we would all rather be lazy and open the digital mailbox instead. do our bills online instead. socialize online instead.

whats the point of doing that? can you really truly say that you can connect? or is that it.. you only connect. connect though this medium which is the internet.

now what has become of all the inter netting between us? the intertwining of the souls and minds of the physical. of those that are around us?

are they not around us no more? and if they are, can we even see them anymore?

i feel.. connec.. i feel connect.. i feel disconnected from all the world, even when i have all the world at my finger tips, at the click of a simple button..

<3

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 09:25:50 GMT

i just wanted to write that i love Won Dong Ju!!

fuck you

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 02:36:07 GMT

i am so fucking frustrated.. i dont know why the hell he acts like that. like he's the fucking shit that runs everything and everyone!!

i swear, i should fucking tell him off. just because he was fucking treated like shit he thinks that he can do that to whoever he wants to. so FUCKING SELFISH!!!! doesnt care for anyones feelings but his own!!

FUCK YOU!!!!!! fuck this shit you fucking put me through!! fuck everything you do!! its fucking your fault that all this shit falls apart!! not even with just me!! fucking treat everyone around you like shit!! but of course its all right for you to walk all over me the most! im just nothing to you. fuck you when you say that i am.

all your fucking words are nothing but lies. always saying that things will change but you fucking lie about it all!! never, not once were any one of your promises fufilled..

i have no fucking idea why i even put up with you like this all the time. you do nothing but betray me over and over and over. nothing ever changes or differs.. ever!!

i fucking hate it!! i fucking hate YOU!!

i swear once all this is over im leaving for good. never going to look back. ever. fuck you if you fall.. im not going to be the one to pick you back up.. i wont even give you the satisfaction of my eyes glancing over at you!! i thought that i could give you a chance and i did over and over.. none of which you ever deserved!!

i never deserved any of all that shit from you. so i never should have given you those chances, but i had been stupid and blind and i remain on my knees because of you all the time. chained down .. you treat me like a fucking dog.. but even worse. like im a something that doesnt feel anything.

FUCK THAT.. i feel all that fucking bullshit.. every last bit of it and someday you will too.. if not from me from someone or somewhere. you'll get whats coming to you, you fucking bastard!!

fuck all this.

i dont want to care anymore. im numb from all your abuse.

i have barely any strength left for myself but you take advantage of that just to break me down even more every time.

..

fuck

..

all

..

this..

i hope you'll be happy when im gone.
im smart enough to know now that suicide will only upset you for a moment. why do that when i can stay and fuck you over even more while alive..

I cant wait!!

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 16:40:17 GMT

i am finally going to be able to see my Sherman again!! its been so long. the last time we were together was back on april 13th.. so long ago!! i will finally see him on the 12th of july!! AHH!!!! it will have been THREE months!!

okay.. just had to let the whole world know how excited i am!!

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 02:35:49 GMT

so i just thought that i should do a random update.. just so i could let everyone know that i love sherman k yeung.. hehe.. and also.. despite all my troubles inside my head.. i love my life!!

i love everyone who is in it.. constantly helping to shape me into who i am and who i am becoming..

in no way is any of this to imply that everything is good now.. its not.. but i feel that ive finally come to a peace with myself in knowing that everything will never be ALL right.. and im okay with that.. ive only been learning more and more each day with the challenges that i face.. even through the struggle.. ive always risen to the top..

so why should i have ever doubted myself?? i was just being a fool. nothing and no one will ever be perfect and i am absolutely satisfied with knowing that..

its good to be able to feel like this again.. even though im not totally happy.. im at the same time overjoyed!! what a wonderful and crazy feeling this is..

:)

:)

Thu, 15 May 2008 17:32:48 GMT

so after a suicidal episode this morning..

im doing much better already.. still sad, upset and kinda mad at myself.. but im pretty good for the most part, especially considering how bad i was this morning and the past few weeks..

all i have to say is that i love sherman so much and i could not be happier with him!!

confused..

Wed, 14 May 2008 11:22:55 GMT

so this is my first post in a while again..

im up.. as I have been.. haven’t slept yet.. anyways..

ive found that lately ive been in a very odd place in my life right now.. i all of a sudden feel like how i did when i was in my early teens..

confused, easily upset, detached from myself as well as others and sometimes even from reality..

i dont understand whats been going on.. ive been in counseling for a over a year now and things had been progressing very well.. i had been progressing very well.. and i had made it very far and it had been helping me to improve a lot.. as well as events in my life the past year have helped me out a lot as well.. i was at the point where i was excited because i believed and i no longer felt that i wouldnt need to continue counseling anymore after this school year was over.. i wasnt even seeing my psychologist on a weekly basis.. only every 2 weeks or how often or little as i needed.. and every time i went i was in a good mood and had no complaints really.. i would just sit there with him talk about how well everything was going..

but then.. all of a sudden.. this past month.. i almost feel like i am back in the place that i was 14.. all of a sudden i felt as if all the happiness got sucked out of my life.. when yet, i am VERY aware that i have SOO MANY good things in my life.. hence the confusion..

ive finally been officially diagnosed with depression and slight mood disorder and i am to be put on medication soon to try and stabilize that..

i never thought that it would have to come to this.. i never would have thought i would need medications to stabilize my mentality.. the thought of people taking medications for their mental status always seemed silly and stupid to me.. but now i am to become one of them.. but the "professionals" that are trying to help me believe that is what i really need..

in the past when i felt this way, there were actual reasons as to why i would have.. you know.. normal teenage angst.. feeling like no one loved me and always thinking "woe is me".. i mean.. im not trying to make light of my past.. i had been suicidal.. and i dont think that is something that should be taken lightly.. especially because i had attempted suicide several times.. but i guess its lucky that i never succeeded..

ive experienced a lot of good things in my life the past ten years despite all the difficulties. and i know that i have a lot to live for as well.. i admit, things in my life at the moment arent the best and there are still things out of place that i wish i could changed.. and im sure that i could.. but at this moment i lack the motivation to do so.. i lack the motivation to really do anything lately..

but overall.. despite my mood the past few weeks.. i know that, for the most part, things are good in my life right now. i have done so much good and have made so much progress.. especially in the past year..

but yet i feel like this.. i really have no legitimate reasons this time to be feeling this way.. thats why my counselor thinks its best that i be put on medication.. honestly.. i feel pathetic.. i cant control my own emotions.. its ridiculous.. im starting to cry now even now while typing this.. and i really dont know why again..

random outbursts of unexplainable crying has been very common and have been happening often the past few weeks.. i just feel miserable.. AND I HONESTLY DO NOT KNOW WHY!!!!!!

Here we go.. im about to pull a teenage move.. this is something you would see in my post from when I was in jr high and high school if you go way back in my xanga..

A few songs to help explain how I feel.. I haven’t even listened to these songs in years..

Im just a kid by simple plan

I woke up it was seven
Waited till eleven
Just to figure out that no one would call
I think ive got a lot of friends but I dont hear from them
Whats another night all alone?
When your spending everyday on your own

And here it goes

Chorus:
Im just a kid and life is a nightmare
Im just a kid I know that is not fair
Nobody cares
Cuz im alone and the world is having more fun than me

And maybe when the night is dead
Ill crawl into my bed
Staring at these four walls again
Ill try to think about the last time
I had a good time
Everyones got somewhere to go
And there gonna leave me here on my own

And here it goes

Chorus:
Im just a kid and life is a nightmare
Im just a kid I know that is not fair
Nobody cares
Cuz im alone and the world is having more fun than me

What the fuck is wrong with me dont fit in with anybody
How did this happen to me
Wide awake im bored and i cant fall asleep
And everynight is the worst night ever

Im just a kid
Im just a kid
Im just a kid
Im just a kid
Im just a kid

Chorus:
Im just a kid and life is a nightmare
Im just a kid i know that its not fair
Nobody cares cuz im alone and the world is
Nobody wants to be alone in the world

Im just a kid and life is a nightmare
Im just a kid i know that its not fair
Nobody cares cuz im alone and the world is
Nobody wants to be alone in the world
Nobody cares cuz im alone and the world is having more fun than me

Tonight im all alone
Tonight nobody cares
Tonight
Cuz im just a kid tonight

Perfect by simple plan

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

ugh.. now i cant stop crying.. i feel like an idiot..

i just want all this to be over with.. i wanted to write this all out in hopes it would help me.. but its only frustrating me more that i cant fully explain myself.. and im only feeling worse now..

Monday, March 24, 2008

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 20:06:50 GMT

IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!!

TEXAS!! HERE I COME!!

Monday, February 11, 2008

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 23:38:40 GMT

wow.. i haven't written here in such a long time.

i have been so busy all this year!!

last time i wrote i was so excited for this year and everything that it would bring.. and you know what??

it's turned out to be really crazy so far with a ton of really high ups and really low lows, but all of them SOO worth it so far.. i'm still in the middle of some confusions, but its okay.. i can tell that there are still a ton of more ups and downs to come.. however, i'm no longer scared of those.. especially the lows.. i want them.. and i know i need them to eventually come.. so i'm excited!!

pretty much all of the first semester this year was spent pledging.

it was really hard.. and i struggled A LOT and cried A LOT and laughed A LOT..

it was everything good and bad put in one.

i suffered in academics, i lost some friends.. but made more that were better!!

some issues arose with family and close friends from back at home.. some are still in the process of being dealt with..

i stopped going to counseling because i was unable to due to time constraints.. so i suffered a lot emotionally..

like i said.. a TON of ups and downs.. but all worth it. in the end i crossed. and it was one of the best feelings in the world.

i made best friends.. gained sisters i can depend on, look up to, and trust.. and now i can further my goal of wanting to make change and differences in the lives of others.

all in all.. first semester was quite a blur.. a really crazy and dizzying experience to REALLY try and think about at times.. but its all over and safely stored away as one of the best times of my life. it helped me in so many ways.. i really could not even start to name.. the only way to tell you was for you to experience me for yourself.

then winter break came and went..

this semester has been crazy and busy as well.. and i have been able to show more of who i truly am and can be.. like changing my image for the better..

however.. when people say that i've changed.. i say no.. i've only just found my true self.. or most of it at least.. some parts will always be a mystery and i know that.

ive put myself back into counseling once again.. but this time not because i am not able to deal with myself and my life.. but because i just want to talk to someone who is outside of my life.. just to keep myself in check is all.. its not necessary.. just something i want to do because i think its mental healthy for me.. and my counselor thinks so too.. so its a good thing.

we had dance practices like crazy when we first came back.. for our formal and UCON..

both have passed now and both were a blast!!

we've also been planning and going through rush again.. its been fun.. and today is the last day.. i think im goignt o be late.. because i need to be there at 7:10.. haha..

hmm.. i think i'll just mention one more thing for now.. and if i think of something else later.. i'll just come back and edit..

Sherman.. i have a new boyfriend.. and his name is Sherman.. he used to go here at NIU.. but just this semester he transfered back home and is attending houston community college..

he just came up this past weekend.. JUST TO VISIT ME!! he's so cute and sweet and i love him so much. he takes care of me well and i do the same back to him. i just know that it'll be so hard due to the distance..

its really far. i've never thought that i would ever try to pull a relationship like this.. but i am!! so far so good.

so i am glad.

well.. now i'm screwed.. because im gonna be so late..
so bye for now.. i think i'll be back later.. soon..

I CANNOT WAIT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 02:37:32 GMT

meeting new people

meeting my new roommate! (excited)

new classes

new dorm

another year to make more mistakes and learn

another year to show what i learned from the last

another year away from the control of my parents!!

another year of blissful freedom, education, and life lessons.. :)

i think i can say im pretty happy about it