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| so after a suicidal episode this morning..
im doing much better already.. still sad, upset and kinda mad at myself.. but im pretty good for the most part, especially considering how bad i was this morning and the past few weeks..
all i have to say is that i love sherman so much and i could not be happier with him!!
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so this is my first post in a while again..
im up.. as I have been.. haven’t slept yet.. anyways..
ive found that lately ive been in a very odd place in my life right now.. i all
of a sudden feel like how i did when i was in my early teens..
confused, easily upset, detached from myself as well as others and sometimes
even from reality..
i dont understand whats been going on.. ive been in counseling for a over a
year now and things had been progressing very well.. i had been progressing
very well.. and i had made it very far and it had been helping me to improve a
lot.. as well as events in my life the past year have helped me out a lot as
well.. i was at the point where i was excited because i believed and i no
longer felt that i wouldnt need to continue counseling anymore after this
school year was over.. i wasnt even seeing my psychologist on a weekly basis..
only every 2 weeks or how often or little as i needed.. and every time i went i
was in a good mood and had no complaints really.. i would just sit there with
him talk about how well everything was going..
but then.. all of a sudden.. this past month.. i almost feel like i am back in
the place that i was 14.. all of a sudden i felt as if all the happiness got
sucked out of my life.. when yet, i am VERY aware that i have SOO MANY good
things in my life.. hence the confusion..
ive finally been officially diagnosed with depression and slight mood disorder
and i am to be put on medication soon to try and stabilize that..
i never thought that it would have to come to this.. i never would have thought
i would need medications to stabilize my mentality.. the thought of people
taking medications for their mental status always seemed silly and stupid to
me.. but now i am to become one of them.. but the "professionals"
that are trying to help me believe that is what i really need..
in the past when i felt this way, there were actual reasons as to why i would
have.. you know.. normal teenage angst.. feeling like no one loved me and
always thinking "woe is me".. i mean.. im not trying to make light of
my past.. i had been suicidal.. and i dont think that is something that should
be taken lightly.. especially because i had attempted suicide several times..
but i guess its lucky that i never succeeded..
ive experienced a lot of good things in my life the past ten years despite all
the difficulties. and i know that i have a lot to live for as well.. i admit,
things in my life at the moment arent the best and there are still things out
of place that i wish i could changed.. and im sure that i could.. but at this
moment i lack the motivation to do so.. i lack the motivation to really do
anything lately..
but overall.. despite my mood the past few weeks.. i know that, for the most
part, things are good in my life right now. i have done so much good and have
made so much progress.. especially in the past year..
but yet i feel like this.. i really have no legitimate reasons this time to be
feeling this way.. thats why my counselor thinks its best that i be put on
medication.. honestly.. i feel pathetic.. i cant control my own emotions.. its
ridiculous.. im starting to cry now even now while typing this.. and i really
dont know why again..
random outbursts of unexplainable crying has been very common and have been
happening often the past few weeks.. i just feel miserable.. AND
I HONESTLY DO NOT KNOW WHY!!!!!!
Here we go.. im about to pull a teenage move.. this is
something you would see in my post from when I was in jr high and high school
if you go way back in my xanga..
A few songs to help explain how I feel.. I haven’t even
listened to these songs in years..
Im just a kid by simple plan
I woke up it was seven
Waited till eleven
Just to figure out that no one would call
I think ive got a lot of friends but I dont hear from them
Whats another night all alone?
When your spending everyday on your own
And here it goes
Chorus:
Im just a kid and life is a nightmare
Im just a kid I know that is not fair
Nobody cares
Cuz im alone and the world is having more fun than me
And maybe when the night is dead
Ill crawl into my bed
Staring at these four walls again
Ill try to think about the last time
I had a good time
Everyones got somewhere to go
And there gonna leave me here on my own
And here it goes
Chorus:
Im just a kid and life is a nightmare
Im just a kid I know that is not fair
Nobody cares
Cuz im alone and the world is having more fun than me
What the fuck is wrong with me dont fit in with anybody
How did this happen to me
Wide awake im bored and i cant fall asleep
And everynight is the worst night ever
Im just a kid
Im just a kid
Im just a kid
Im just a kid
Im just a kid
Chorus:
Im just a kid and life is a nightmare
Im just a kid i know that its not fair
Nobody cares cuz im alone and the world is
Nobody wants to be alone in the world
Im just a kid and life is a nightmare
Im just a kid i know that its not fair
Nobody cares cuz im alone and the world is
Nobody wants to be alone in the world
Nobody cares cuz im alone and the world is having more fun than me
Tonight im all alone
Tonight nobody cares
Tonight
Cuz im just a kid tonight
Perfect by simple plan
Hey dad
look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
ugh.. now i cant stop crying.. i feel like an idiot..
i just want all this to be over with.. i wanted to write this all out in hopes it would help me.. but its only frustrating me more that i cant fully explain myself.. and im only feeling worse now..
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| IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!! IM SO EXCITED!!
TEXAS!! HERE I COME!!
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| wow.. i haven't written here in such a long time.
i have been so busy all this year!!
last time i wrote i was so excited for this year and everything that it would bring.. and you know what??
it's turned out to be really crazy so far with a ton of really high ups and really low lows, but all of them SOO worth it so far.. i'm still in the middle of some confusions, but its okay.. i can tell that there are still a ton of more ups and downs to come.. however, i'm no longer scared of those.. especially the lows.. i want them.. and i know i need them to eventually come.. so i'm excited!!
pretty much all of the first semester this year was spent pledging.
it was really hard.. and i struggled A LOT and cried A LOT and laughed A LOT..
it was everything good and bad put in one.
i suffered in academics, i lost some friends.. but made more that were better!!
some issues arose with family and close friends from back at home.. some are still in the process of being dealt with..
i stopped going to counseling because i was unable to due to time constraints.. so i suffered a lot emotionally..
like i said.. a TON of ups and downs.. but all worth it. in the end i crossed. and it was one of the best feelings in the world.
i made best friends.. gained sisters i can depend on, look up to, and trust.. and now i can further my goal of wanting to make change and differences in the lives of others.
all in all.. first semester was quite a blur.. a really crazy and dizzying experience to REALLY try and think about at times.. but its all over and safely stored away as one of the best times of my life. it helped me in so many ways.. i really could not even start to name.. the only way to tell you was for you to experience me for yourself.
then winter break came and went..
this semester has been crazy and busy as well.. and i have been able to show more of who i truly am and can be.. like changing my image for the better..
however.. when people say that i've changed.. i say no.. i've only just found my true self.. or most of it at least.. some parts will always be a mystery and i know that.
ive put myself back into counseling once again.. but this time not because i am not able to deal with myself and my life.. but because i just want to talk to someone who is outside of my life.. just to keep myself in check is all.. its not necessary.. just something i want to do because i think its mental healthy for me.. and my counselor thinks so too.. so its a good thing.
we had dance practices like crazy when we first came back.. for our formal and UCON..
both have passed now and both were a blast!!
we've also been planning and going through rush again.. its been fun.. and today is the last day.. i think im goignt o be late.. because i need to be there at 7:10.. haha..
hmm.. i think i'll just mention one more thing for now.. and if i think of something else later.. i'll just come back and edit..
Sherman.. i have a new boyfriend.. and his name is Sherman.. he used to go here at NIU.. but just this semester he transfered back home and is attending houston community college..
he just came up this past weekend.. JUST TO VISIT ME!! he's so cute and sweet and i love him so much. he takes care of me well and i do the same back to him. i just know that it'll be so hard due to the distance..
its really far. i've never thought that i would ever try to pull a relationship like this.. but i am!! so far so good.
so i am glad.
well.. now i'm screwed.. because im gonna be so late..
so bye for now.. i think i'll be back later.. soon..
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| meeting new people
meeting my new roommate! (excited)
new classes
new dorm
another year to make more mistakes and learn
another year to show what i learned from the last
another year away from the control of my parents!!
another year of blissful freedom, education, and life lessons.. :)
i think i can say im pretty happy about it
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